Diary.

Archives n uploads of some of my notes app dribbles for all to see on the world wide web!! :D

[10-15-2024]

I quit my job lol.

fuk dat place fr ╭∩╮( •̀_•́ )╭∩╮

the general manager of the store only wanted to give me a $1 raise .. upping my pay to a whopping $13.80 an hour 😍😍 even tho everyone else in my department makes $15+ with LESS EXPERIENCE AND TIME AT THE COMPANY!!!!! Idk why it took me 2 years to realize I’m being significantly underpaid, now I can’t help but feel vexed. The notion wouldn’t leave, so I quit :3. I can’t work somewhere where I feel resentful lol.

I still wanted a job lol so i tried a compromise: asking to transfer departments. I just needed a raise and a change of pace. Tbh I’m just burnt out, doing the same thing for 2 1/2 years. I asked to go to the fruit department where I’d literally be cutting fruit all day— my DREAM. No socializing or customer service , + they had an opening and i was chill with that department manager, but NOOOO the GM reallyyy didn’t want to move me (cuz ig for whatever reason I’m “important” now in the department I’m already in <(ꐦㅍ _ㅍ)>) and offered me really shitty positions (like stocker or starbucks— stuff I NEVER want to) and I’d be getting no raise,, almost as a way to strongarm me into staying in online order fulfillment (the department Im currently in). OOF (yes that’s the actual acronym for my department ) was super chill and good but then 1. The cool department and store manager left and 2. They started getting more serious about it, like making us wear gay ass neon vests and walkie talkies — ok like whatever, i don’t have a problem with them cracking down like I get it, business is business, but like to not even update pay despite the increased workload is wack.

I was cunning tho ;) lil mischievous n conniving muahahahah (*-`ω´- )人 . ψ(｀∇´)ψ A month ago, I claimed my vacation week. We get paid vacation (which is the only good benefit at that job). I claimed it conveniently for October 21-28. I put my 2 week notice last Sunday on the 13th, 2 weeks before my vacation so *technically* I get paid for my last week without having to go work :D!! Moral of the story: I will get the last laugh. (Even tho they played me for a fool for 2.5 years not paying me my worth.)
Dunno what imma do now. Maybe just draw n study some more, might fuck around n take a wintermester idk..

heres some pics from my trip to mexico last year

[09-10-2024]

Having a lil crisis about college lmfao

Finished my general credits and am now at a turning point where i have to choose between major-specific courses.
waaaghhhhhghhhhhhnmmnnnnnnssehhhhhh
I know what I *don’t* want but I also have no idea what I do want.

I think about Sylvia Plaths fig tree quote often:
“ I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. […] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I learned i actually hate programming. I hate English. Basically any social science or arts degree is out bc 1. low job prospects and 2. I actually really like those subjects -- but just in my own free time, could never study them academically. But am doing alright in my math courses. I’m in calc 1 and think I could get through calc 2. People tell me engineering would be good -- n that it’s not *super* programming heavy, but idk :/// i think thats what im gonna do.. if i lived in the pursuit of happiness rather than the almighty dollar ; id be studying languages or 2D animation abroad.

what i want out of college:
- a job with a good work life balance.
- to make $60k minimum or more.
- something NOT in customer service.
^^is that too much to ask ; _ ; ??

on the bright side, my melons are flourishing :3
heres sum pics from a trip to a casino a while back

[08-24-2024]

I started praying.

definitely not a habit I envisioned picking up this year lol.. i was never really religious. idk what brought this phase on.. but fr. call it delusion or whatever — tbh I’m still not 100% married to the idea there’s ~something~ (like a god) in the universe that can hear much less answer my prayers, but I am so so desperate to have my circumstances change, I’m hoping for a miracle. i feel an indescribable, overwhelming , burning, restless urgency that something needs doing. I can’t stay like this.

I prayed to Saint Catherine of Bologna for artistic inspiration, Joseph of Cupertino for studying and school help, and Arc Angel Gabriel and Michael for courage, determination, and discipline. And though it’s probably really sad, I straight up talked to myself for hours under the pretense of “talking to Jesus” or whatever the f is out there, about my day and my current "situation", because i have no one irl to talk to :/ Im actually really lonely. well.. I mean, I don’t *feel* lonely. I don’t crave other people, I’m not *alone*, im surrounded by family and a handful of acquaintances IRL at school/work, but there’s a surface tension I can’t burst— things I can’t talk to anyone else about. I feel no connection with others, An innate alienation, just cant relate to others. tbh, as long as I feel connected with myself, grounded, by means of talking to myself or prayer or whatever, I’m not alone. I have me myself. even if there is nothing out there, atleast its a means to mindfulness. almost like medidation.

Trying to hide my increasing willingness to participate in religion because my mom will be wayy to excited about it. She’d think I agree with her about some prejudicial beliefs. i hate weaponized spiritualism, twisting words to push a wrong, oppressive narrative (typical religious-conservative bs). I don’t want to give her that satisfaction. I lowkey hate religious people that are like annoyingly religious. Ik it’s parts of peoples religions, like its within the belief system to promote it but THERES A line between participating in your religion and straight up being annoying

on saturday, i went to church. i had just got off work and felt the need to meditate and rest-- but i didnt want to go home. it was mostly empty (probably cuz it was 4pm on a saturday) , and i noticed they were doing confessions. got in line behind a very talkative old man. somehow the sparse converstion turned to taking turns reciting the latin across the walls. he told me, "dont bother learning latin, unless you want to become a preist or talk to demons" LMAO. eventually it was my turn. i probably sounded insane. i hadnt really prepared anything so i sorta just rambled to the preist. im suprised as soon as I stepped out the box the feds werent waiting for me with a strait jacket to send me to the looney bin but i wasnt too worried cuz apparently if you confess a murder they won’t snitch you lest they be excommunicated ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ-- not to say i confessed a murder haha. but fr. it was stressful. priests have the most aura, their energy is overwhelming. im suprised i was able to speak at all in the presence of such aura lol.
afterward, i just sat there. at the pew, staring at the latin on the walls again. i didnt stay too long, tho, they had asmr water running sounds and it made me want to pee.

Catholic imagery go brrrrr
also went to a hispanic grocery store i havent been to in foreverrrr

[07-20-2024]

I TURNED 20!!! RAGHHHH!!

new format!
hope u like ~~
sorta fucked tho cuz idfk how to css lmfao. probably looks like shit on mobile sorryyyyy ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡♡♡
tryna put more photos in here.. i have sm photos on my dinky lil iphone 11 camera roll, i figured uploading them here would be useful for archives sake +make this site more of a blog rather than a boring ass block of text.. might even upload scans of lil half-doodle comic-y diary entries i have in my actual paper journal à la diary of a wimpy kid style.

anywaysss I TURNED 20!!
thats such a real adult age. too real. but, tbh, reading some of my previous diary entries and iphone notes app vents -- idk why df i was trippin so much ab it. i was genuinely losing sleep n i fr cried myself to sleep in the weeks leading up to the big day.
now that its happened, idgaf.
the build up was 10x worse, idk why i mythologized it in my head so much-- mythologizing that turning 20 would be some terrible event worth dreading over.

i like being 20 now. cant wait to turn 21 n buy a 4loko>:)!!
no but fr,
its empowering.
im not some push over little kid anymore. im not some confused teenager looking for validation in others. i know who i am, and im so functional now. only with time i achieved this amount of wisdom and im proud of myself. im so much wiser than i was..
i <3 meeeee!!!

i still dont know why as a culture were expected yearn for youth, romanticizing the growing pains and confusion associated with being young, looking back on my teen years im genuinely surprised i thugged it out for so long lmfao id kill myself if i had to do it again.

anyways.. went to a fancy upscale shopping center n got myself a new ipad n some clothes as birthday gift to myself. spent $600 bucks (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)... didnt end up buying those banana wallets tho and i regret it .‸.
after i went to arcade with my family, won 1st place in mario kart >:D !! got vampire teeth and candy with all 96 tickets i earned.. then went home, ate some ice cream cake, made a wish (cant say what or else it wont come true).. and set up my new ipad for the rest of the day. 10/10 birthday.

[06-24-2024]

I got a stomach bug!! Yipeeeee!

I started feeling ill on a Wednesday. Woke up in the middle of the night with a dull pain all over my abdomen. Even though the pain was 3-4 (on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no pain and 10 being excruciating) I wanted to die lol. The fact it WOULDN’T go away— no peace or rest break— pain 24/7 — made me want to go fucking feral!!! Like a low level tinnitus gradually invading every inch of your mind until the burden consumes your entire consciousness!! Gah! I couldn’t even sit up straight or stand— I was basically forced to lay in recovery-fetal position 24/7 (T-T). I tried thugging that shit out but it was getting worse (+ vomiting and more intense pain and nausea). It wasn’t until Saturday (an entire 3 days later) went to a doctor who upon hearing my symptoms (nausea and vomiting) was CONVINCED I was pregnant and ignored my pain— the entire ROOT of my nausea/vomiting.

“Birth control?”
“None.”
"Boyfriend?”
"No."
"Okay.When was your last boyfriend?”
“Never?”
“Is there any chance you are pregnant?”
"..."
I wanted to give a smarmy response along the lines of: “It would be a miraculous conception and I’d be made a saint.” Instead i repeated. “No.” Was given a root beer flavored lollipop and told to take motion sickness pills -_-...

Later that night it somehow got worse. I was writhing in pain, so cold and shaking so hard my teeth were clattering fuckin shivering me timbers (probably from low blood sugar bc I couldn’t keep ANY food down). BTW N E VE R eat ANYTHING WITH CHEESE before throwing up!! I tried to eat a cheese stick (mm American cuisine yum) and had to pull that shit out from my throat I almost died it got stuck istg 💀💀 death by cheese stick. I was so so desperate i needed more than overthecounter antinausea meds and a lollipop (fuck that other doctor) n went to urgent care.
The urgent care doc was more understanding. I was given a prescription for funky lil pills that numb the GI system/ prevents the spasms which caused me pain. My insides felt like static. I was placed on a all liquid diet for a day, then a plain food diet as long as symptoms persisted.

That was a week ago. I still feel pain— a light bruise sensation across my entire abdomen, but it’s only a 1 on the pain scale. No more vomiting/issues. I’m all cured -^-.

Guhhhh.. I MISSED REAL FOOD SO MUCH!!

I lost 4 lbs haha. Prolly only ate maybe 800 cals the entire week I was ill. I’m like a ferral animal rn…. I physically can not stop eating.
What’s worse is I LOST ALL MY GAINZ!! FUCK! a week no gym/diet=total erasure of progress:/. I can’t do a fucking pull-up anymore and my quads/glutes/calves deflated by like an inch (;_;)... Eeuuuughhhh
FFFFFFFFFFF I’m so so weak…!!!

Why am I like this.
GET OVER URSELF. GET IT TOGETHER. MAN DF UP
THUG IT OUT!!! LOCK DF IN!!11!!!!!
FUCK!!!!!!!

[05-10-2024]

I got a 4.0 this semester.

I mean, its community college so i guess its not THAT impressive, but I'm still super proud of myself for earing all 4.0's consecutively throughout the 3 semesters i've attended college so far (coming from someone who at one point had a 2.7gpa and gave no fucks about school looool).
Academic validation go brrrrrrrrrᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ .

It was not easy. I drove myself insane studying -- id become so genuinely upset if i scored anything less than a 90% on assignments. Its fucking stupid. I wasted so much time caught up in this neurosis i neglected all my other goals and ambitions.

I didnt draw for weeks on end. I had lost all artistic intuition and my technical skills were reduced to nix since i was not creating consistently. My brain was so sober in a terrible sterile type of way. Being unable to draw made me incredibly frustrated i wanted to die.

I vow to not try as hard next semester. Im still going to try my best, but im not going to beat myself up anymore for not achieving the useless self imposed standard of perfection. No one irl cares about a 4.0, besides, the university i want to transfer to only requires 3.5 so all the extra effort will be in vain.

There is a line in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar i think about frequently in relation to this dilemma:
"I started adding up all the things I couldn’t do [...] I felt dreadfully inadequate [...] The one thing I was good at was winning scholarships and prizes, and that era was coming to an end."

If i continue down this path i fear i'll end up like Esther. I don't want to reduce myself to something so trivial. I want to make art, be a real artist, and someday create something that extends far beyond myself... but eh ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ all that dreamy shit is a discussion for another day lol.

If u even read this lmk by leaving a msg in my snazzy new guestbook! thnx! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

[05-02-2024]

I officially turn 20 in 2 months!!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Nah but fr I am sorta freaking df out.
Part of me thinks "i still feel 16" -- but i can at least recognize i've come a LONG way since then.
16 year old me was a agoraphobic-neurotic-tetchy-nut. i sincerely apologize to anyone who had the misfortune of knowing me irl back then. in retrospect, i never want to feel that way again. Also I can’t say “it doesn’t feel that long ago” since tbh for me highschool feels like a million years ago. 16 feels like 10 years ago rather than 4.
hate how it’s almost culturally expected to mourn the loss of youth- the loss of “teenagehood”- as if it's something that ever truly dies, is lost, or even existed at all. I dunno. maybe it's subconscious jealousy and competitiveness, idk, everyone else is so coherent and accomplished n im still a little girl. rlly immature,..,. just not grown up. vv irrational eee but can't help feel this way :')
atleast next year i get to buy muthafukenn newports !!! yipeeeee!
⣜⠉⢒⣲⠤⠤⠤⠤⠤⠄⢤⣐⠒⢹⠀⠀⠀⠀
⣧⠖⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⢦⡸⠀⠀⠀
⡏⠀⢀⡶⣲⣶⡄⠀⢠⡖⣲⣦⠀⠀⠇⢀⠤⡀
⡃⠀⠈⠛⠿⠟⠁⠀⠈⠛⠛⠛⠀⠀⡅⡾⠀⡃
⢈⡢⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠀⢀⣀⣴⣊⣰⠃⢸⠀
⠋⢠⠊⠈⢹⠉⠉⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⡖⠁⠀
----------⡇⠀⠀⡄⠀⠀⡒⢲⡆⠀⢨⠀
---------⠘⠤⠔⠑⠤⠜⠊⠀⠑⠊⠀⠀

god.
20 is almost 21 !?!! 21 is almost 30 and 💀💀 30 is almost 70!! WTF?!?! what's next? fish oil pills and peyote?!?!?!!! /jjjjjjjjjj ofc im joking

[03-15-2024]

I saw a dead body Tuesday.
Okay not actually a "dead body". Just a human brain floating in a jar of formaldehyde in the back of my anatomy & physiology classroom. Everyone was so nonchalant and casual about it tho, seems like I’m the only one who was like..... =͟͟͞(⊙ _ ⊙ ) “uhhh.. okay.”
As soon as I know what I’m seeing is in-fact "human-material" I just (͡๏̯͡๏) LOL.
Weirdly though that rule doesn’t apply to bones. Dunno why the cognitive dissonance in my brain doesn’t equate dead body≠bones. Maybe cuz pink-ish fleshy-tissue is more personal and human-like than calcified-rock looking bones.

I wonder when they died,, how long ago was it? Have they always sat in the back of a community college anatomy and physiology lab classroom? Were they were a good person? Were they male or female? What was their most cherished memory? How far have they traveled on earth? Is their family still around? How must’ve it felt when they were walking among us rather than encapsulated and displayed in a jar, seeing out their eyes and sensing the world as we all presently do?

Formaldehyde smells a LOT like TomFords Lost Cherry. Sweet n sickly smelling keeping specimens statically preserved.