i cant fucking draw anymore (whats new lol) the muscle memory has atrophied everything i make sucks and im going insane i just need to make something GOOD -- avenge the past 6 months of artistic drought and famine. im just so uninspired + lack of technical skills = loathing. ive been art blocked before but this really takes the cake fml fmfl.
i feel like ive out grown my style so much/ everything i have in my portfolio just does not represent the direction or aesthetic i want to have.

in other news im gonna make my instagram more "me-centric": pics of me/my life, engineering uni, my own projects aside from drawings, outfit checks, video diaries etc.. im doing so much more cool shit now that extends beyond stupid sketches and drawings which my previous "content" (Gross word) has pigeon-holed itself in. i just want to post more often + i want to give irl people my @ without the proverbial auto-da-fé disclaimer "haha yeah this is my instagram but its an art account lol" .

that and youtube. i lowkey went insane last semester out of sheer isolation my remedy was to talk to myself on camera. i have probably 2 hours straight of cute vlogs + vents + raves, even a few subject oriented video essay style flicks. filmed on my iphone camera but sometimes on my good old faithful moms hand-me-down sony cybershot digicam (which is so old in fact it cant zoom while recording + all the good crunchy overexposure pic quality we so love with digicams).
i noticed such a cute trend of people recording themselves with digicams a-la myspace/early web youtube, and im so jel i need to throw in my 2 cents too!
i genuinely dont want to be a influencer (gross) i have no ambition of that i just need to have a piece of me exist online.

Resume of this past semester +
Things I want to do this summer

I think i got a 4.0 this semester!!! i mean i only did 12 credit hours, so its not like i really did much, tbh i regret not taking 1 more class since maybe i had too much free time lol.
i took statics, engineering ethics, an engineering seminar class, solidworks class, and intro to engineering design for mechanical majors. yipeeee. i was scared shitless going in for statics though because i heard its infamously hard at my uni, or idk its just what other classmates have told me who are also in the program. that and i just didnt want to overwhelm myself in my first semester in uni, i was super intimidated coming from a community college lol transfer student. i would rather take less hours and graduate later than be up to my eyeballs in stress/ course overload (fall 2028 graduation date lol). but statics really isnt that bad. its just ∑F=0 ∑M=0 ∑deeznutz=0. bosh.
the craziest thing happened with statics tho-- my prof gave me the WRONG final exam!! i take exams in an "alternative testing area" which tldr is like where they send all the sped kids/ if you miss an exam you take it there-- i have extra time for exams accommodations for adhd lol, so i get the option to take exams there-- but anyways-- i was by mistake given a different prof/ infamously harder exam, i was lowkey confused when i took it but i think i did alright given i knew the subject matter, but it was just like 20% harder since some of the material wasnt on the study outline my prof gave us. my prof said the final would have chapter 6-10 content, but the final i took had things from chapter 3 i didnt study 0_0.. my prof emailed me earlier today as she was putting grades in like "uhh we made a mistake/tldr you got sent the wrong final exam" and offered to average my 3 midterms to replace the grade or i could go in and retake it. im already 5 hours away sitting in a hammock sipping coconut water in mi casa, so retaking it was NOT an option lol + i had gotten a 100, 90, and 88 on my 3 midterms so the choice was EASY! free 92% on a final ( T u T )!!!! even tho it wasnt "free" i did put a LOT of effort in. i study so much. i really do work hard for my grades. tldr im tired of people telling me "oh its bc you're naturally smart" like no im a dumb ass i just am a try hard lol.
but yeah 4.0 semester first semester in uni yay!

next semester im taking Thermo 1, Solids, Diff equ, and Engineering Econ so im probs gonna kill myself lmao, if solids + thermo doesnt kill me first. I think ill be fine in diff equ since its online + i liked calc, but solids and thermo are apparently actually "shit ur pants youll hang yourself infront of the engineering building" infamously scary, so im only doing 12 hrs again lol. pray for me!!!!!

oh i also forgot to say im taking a python programing class this summer! print hello world or whatever lol.



This summer:
1. Make atleast $3k this summer .. I’m BROKE lmfao my finances are in WAR TIME PROTOCOL -_-… I need a jooooobbbbb ughhh..
2. Go to the pool as much as I can
3. Go to the lake by my house also as much as I can
4. Draw. Every summer/break I do 1 big project/piece. I have a one piece in mind that I’ve done kind of half assed but I need to realize the concept fully! I just have a vision in my mind which hardly ever turns out.
5. Also just draw more generally, more sketches. I need to learn how to draw faces and just strengthen my anatomy skills, I feel as though I have same face syndrome / just need to make more REAL art. I hate how I default to half naked pretty girls, I need to not default to what’s “easy” lol.
6. Internet presence. I’m gonna shift my Instagram to be less drawing-centric and just post more “me”, my life and other things im doing with engineering uni/life stuff/projects. I started filming on an old Sony cyber shot camera my mom gave me; lowkey vlogs; so I really want to establish some sort of YouTube presence too. I don’t want to be a full on YouTuber I just want to upload some content I think is interesting/ I just adore the new wave of compilation aesthetic “lived in” montages filmed on digicams, I want to contribute too!!
7. Go on more solo date adventures, tbh i need to learn to drive more , im lowkey just a shit driver lol— like don’t get me wrong I CAN drive but Im so used to my 10 known routes I need to venture off more/ explore more.
8. Evening walks, little wanders about my neighborhood during sunset, I need to keep up my 10k steps.
9. Going to the gym more often. Lowkey at the end of the semester my appetite just disintegrated ;_; I stopped working out and I hardly ate any protein. I went from a 27”to 25” waist in less than a month (yay starvation!! (( jkjk I hated my life !)) and somehow looked fatter even though my waist shrunk, I just got skinny fat again. I’m at a 26.5”x38” waist x hip dimensions now, I have my appetite back too now that I’m back home for summer break with family:3. I just need to go to the gym more and get my .66-.68 WHR back/ my figure back!! My goal is 26”x39” hopefully. I’m at a .7 rn. Idk I just feel so flat and limp when I don’t work out. Yay vanity!
10. I need to cut my screen time significantly!!! I won’t say what my screentime was during the semester but let’s just say it was in the double digits and I felt so numbskullingly braid dead. No more stupid content or rewatching the same comfort videos. End the crutch loop. I have a dumb phone I might use for a bit tbh while I detox.
11. Read more. I want to finish: Pale fire by Nabakov, Kafka on the shore (I forgot the author), and On the road by Kerouac. And maybe if I have time I’ll read The invisible man by HG wells— I watched the 1930s bnw film earlier this year and loved it, I been meaning to get more into classic horror lit (ie Frankenstein, Dracula, poppy z brite.. etc..)ahhh.. so many books not enough hours in the day !!
12. But somehow I also want to update my site more lol. I really do love this place lol. I < 3 internet.

Young hoes get broken up with for the first time and write a freaking poem lmfao. I been reading a LOT of poetry lately. Internet Archive hates to see me coming looool. Anyways, I don’t have to worry about them reading this woohooo my shit is hidden, or atleast I think it is, but i doubt anyone clicks through my entire site to see my diary tab, much less actually reads these dribbles. I just get a cathartic feeling uploading here, it gives me more closure than simply writing in my irl diary alone (I am the worst at keeping a journal lol my consciousness belongs to cyberspace)..

TBH I feel like an idiot. I been single for 21 years (I don’t count e-bfs lmao or that one girl I “dated” in middle school) but yeah the one time I capitulate to desire it ended like this. I mean part of me did know deep down — i just had a gut feeling of insecurity. I know it "takes two to tango", hyper accountability I suppose but it’s on me for rushing into a relationship not even a month into knowing each other— just being away from family + my own brain chemistry loneliness powder keg— I grew attached way too fast with no sturdy scaffolding or shared history. I’m also super immature and was consciously aware it was 100% more important to me than it ever was for him, like duh, look at aaaaall this text I’m writing in memoriam, but yeah first bf — first lot of things — and I just didn’t want to feel like I “lost”. As a person with usually a mixed avoidant/anxious attachment style acknowledging that unevenness in significance made the realization and ego hit sting all the more since I hate feeling inferior or like I cared too much — and I say that with no distain or insult to him, since maybe at one point he BELIEVED he did genuinely like me but one can believe one thing and turn out to just be confused-- and given the latter half i suspect im right; guilt + falling out of feeling, but i suppose speculating is purely needlessly academic now.

But it’s not even about that, tbh break up aside, I mean — the writing was on the wall lol— the vibe shifted so I was preemptively preparing myself for it since early April. Moreso i was simply just worried, like I wanted to know if he was okay; Seeing someone I called a “boyfriend” check out mentally all of a sudden/ demonstrate a shift in behavior is concerning tbh and I just wanted to know where his head was at. It just stings.
“Stinging” is the best word to describe describe it, just a throbbing sore piercing sensation in the back of my mind that torments me from time to time.

We shared a class together and those last few days spent he wouldn’t even look at me, as if i were Medusa and a glance would turn him to stone. In my mind I extended an olive branch of “let’s act normal”. I don’t regret the effort i put in “trying"-- The friendship aspect mattered to me more than anything. I did have really good times with them / next semester I still want to go to out to bars and stuff,fun things, yk. Without that, part of my social life on campus has been amputated. Stings. To think he might just become a stranger.
In the end I just got so awkward. I wanted to act normal, talk about normal things, about freaking books and shit/ask questions and get to know him, like it had been in the beginning— just a frenzy rush discovering someone who I just felt I “clicked” easily with. but in the end that false sense of familiarity made me feel like it was inappropriate for me to still try and “get to know him” while we dated + the subsequent fall out-- like asking him something would be a stupid question or one I should already know the answer to + something was obviously bothering him. so I just nervously anxiously talked about utter bs neither of us cared about.. And when I’m nervous I just giggle like a idiot + I’m also scatterbrained asf which is only exaggerated when hesitant (and I felt like I was walking on eggsshells already), i couldn’t stop the word-salad-vomit dribbles which probably alienated him all the more. Not that I’m usually some benevolent communicator, I would’ve asked shit like “What are you thinking about? Do you have a favorite song of all time? Have you heard of the manic street preachers? Do you read poetry? If you were a Dune character which would you be ??(you can’t say Paul thats a cop out answer)” And I just loved talking, especially with him. To be honest I love being near people, not just with anyone, and not always talking. just being near. people whom I feel like I could just connect with. there’s just an intangible thing I seek for, like a surface tension I can’t burst that maybe reveals some sort of truth about myself I want to reach deeper for. But instead I just resigned to keeping peace, small talk, looking at my shoelaces instead of making eye contact:“sooo.. how about that assignment?” Yawn.

It’s my selfish narrative prerogative I know it’s not all about me, I know it’s not my fault— there was extenuating circumstances i wont recount here — but yeah this is just how I feel about it all from my POV exclusively. Unreliable narrator disclaimer insert here. Duh.

He harped on about Rome, Ceaser, Subutai, Napoleon, Testosterone, bravery and freedom — philosophy of that sort: but a 5’3 girl who cared became something to avoid, ironic. Revering masculinity but can’t even personify the most basic virtue honesty and the ability to confront awkwardness or discomfort. If it weren’t for me cornering him that last day he wouldn’t have said anything. Me sobbing in his car, piercing through that surface tension mist curtain took bravery, I did my part. I was honest and expressive, wore my heart on my sleeve, what else is there? I dont think he would’ve never done it himself maybe or he wouldve texted me lmfao. Just how short tempered and curt he was with me those last few days lifted the veil from my eyes, i really did like him a lot.

More than anything I wish we could still be friends since we did have a lot in common, books, 92% match on Spotify, like i just remember in the beginning when we met id wake up the next day with my abs sore from laughing so much. i dont miss the romantic aspect that much but idk i like pavlovs dog conditioned myself to looking forward to seeing him and just making the days in godforsaken west tejas easier since we were in the same boat as engineering majors lol, then just *tumbleweeds* *nada*.

Aaahhh just processing, I type a loooooot. I been told by a psych I had “OCD-mirroring tendencies” that are reminiscent but not obv enough to be diagnosed as full OCD, I just ruminate. My thoughts go in loops and i beat a dead horse to the point said horse is now a pink mist from how much ive pummeled it to the ground. I wrote the poem literally the sunday after we broke up i was veeery emotional (lol cringe ik), but i feel fine now. the only part that bothers me now is that the most random things remind me of him (the entire country of japan, oasis,one piece, the color green, smell of coffee-- EVEN THOUGH I LIKED ALL THOSE THINGS TOO BEFORE HIM SO ITS NOT LIKE THE CREDIT GOES TO HIM for INTRODUCING ME LMAO) and i am 100% certain he doesnt think about me and it tormets me someone has this much real estate over my mind. he is only signifcant since this was the only irl experience of romance i had (and it prob will be the sole experience i have until maybe i decide to date again.. which wont be for.. a while LOL) i feel as though my mind used to be a clear glass of water and hes dipped a dirty brush into its depths-- all the molecules of pigments swirling around in its wake. im just not a romantic person tbh but now i cant ignore that i have feelings/maybe i DO want to have romance in my life someday lol. i did enjoy the brief period of getting to play the role of girlfriend. in the past i was so preoccupied with my own inner world i paid no mind to crushes, so maybe ill be more open to dating in the future lol.

my mom still asks about him ALL THE TIME which is :') but i never told her i was dating him,, she just thinks hes a really good friend. Tbh my mom is just so sweet she wants to adopt all my friends and lowk treats them like her own kids haha --wanting to feed them (ie. "does gaby like pozole? text her to come over i just made some" LOL)/ would literally give u the shirt off her back. tbh i dont tell my parents anything in my romance life/ or atleast i wasnt gonna tell her until i felt it was "Serious enough" and tbh im glad i didnt because shes so big hearted/was ig charmed by the "good catholic boy" image i sold her (TuT) she'd prob try DMing him on facebook not even to try to force us back together but to just ask how hes doing lmfao -- like she means well but just meddles in all my personal affairs LOL.
this is the last and only time ill write about this, i think i got it all off my chest. fucking yapfest LOL.take a shot every time i say LOL/LMFAO/LMAO or "like" word filler.

Every time I cry -- like 99.9% of the time -- the one thing that makes me tick is the fact my money doesn’t belong to me. I just am hemorrhaging funds here in uni, I mean, it’s not terrible because I am getting myself a degree/higher education, and I am happy fundamentally, like, even though it brings me misery day-to-day; ultimately I do feel satisfied because I do like the work. I love engineering. I am a engineer. I love technology. I love understanding systems. It would be a lie to say i'm "art major trapped in a stem major body" cus tbh id be MISERABLE studying fine art.
This is me living in pursuit of happiness.
But it just feels like I derive no pleasure at all from day to day. Delayed gratification.
I been working since I was 16, the few thousand i have saved up is all i have,
and its never enough,
not enough to pay for uni...
but what hurts the most is it'll never be enough to travel with what i worked so hard for, which just hurts. i can not convey through text how much i put traveling on a pedestal, the notion in my mind has become the "big rock on candy mountain" for me, the "someday.." dream i have like a carrot on a stick. it means so much to me.
I just want to travel.
I feel so inferior to my friends because they've all been financed in their travels; they all had parents who took them on yearly excursions, but i have to do everything myself. the day i get to actually go to Japan, Brazil, or even a domestic flight to NYC-- the day i actually get to feel free and wander in those cities i so have mythologized in my mind ill probably drop to my knees and ugly cry lol because "i MADE it, i got myself here" I WORKED FOR IT. i didnt get to ride the comfortable conveyer belt of parents who were financially stable enough to provide the occasional trip. everything i will ever have i must work for it. i dont mean to complain or sound entitled but when you're surrounded by others who are just given the things i so envy and they take those luxuries for granted it just starts to chafe. even the seemingly simple things of having parents who are financially stable (not rich, just stable enough to pay rent and take you to the dentist as a kid) and who speak the language of the country they immigrated to (my parents have lived in the USA for ~~30** years and its almost as if they're actively TRYING not to learn english,,, i know its hard i know spanish is common but english is still SUPER necessary and saying otherwise is denial... like imagine me at 12 years old at social services office translating legal jargon because they cant fill out the paperwork themselves and still to this day my mom calls me and passes the phone to customer service reps and i have to fix their issues even now that i moved out). I feel trapped, but i love them, but im suffocating in the quicksand of my familial arrangement.
There is just so much uncertainty, we have no safety net, I just can’t let myself spend a fraction of my saving savings on a glorious trip to Japan or Hawaii (dont get me wrong i dont want to go on luxurious expensive places I literally want to go to Kazakhstan or Vietnam -- some random country and sleep in hostels) because the weight of their circumstances falls entirely on my shoulders. Im scared, im terrified of failing irrevocably, of being left with nothing. Scarcity mindset inhereted through survival. But in my heart i just want to wander. I feel like im asleep, living a life by proxy. Like anthony bourdain "If I'm an advocate for anything, it's to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river." I just feel trapped.

This is literally how i sound prob lmfao.

But yeah, the general like theme if I had a summarize my life is just delayed gratification. And I honestly am pretty disciplined, I think I have a high reservoir level for this , actually I don’t know if I would say "discipline" more so probably just a debilitating almost self harm levels of over accountability -- like harmful accountability -- like I’ll cut everyone else slack I’ll give everyone else opportunities, but if I do something wrong I deserve to die because “you should’ve known” there’s no excuse no justification. I should have unnatural levels of discernment, i should be able to read minds, and ill never afford myself any "benefit of the doubt".
I just wanna have fun, I just wanna have an ounce of pleasure in my entire human earthly existence, any fun I do allow myself, "fun" (in quotations), it’s just distraction. It never actually fulfills what I’m trying to satisfy. $17 top from depop and $20 books from barnes and noble to pacify my desire instead of a $400 round trip and a few days in a hotel.

Recent developments:
-I moved out (in January lol, about 2 months ago) I forgot to say.
I gen thought I would be dysfunctional asf. I manage quite well. Well. The first 3 days alone in a city 5 hours away I felt so debilitatingly homesick I was basically on the verge of a anxiety/tears like anything that reminded me of home caused my voice to wobble salty burning teary eyes.
But it’s alright.
I have a roommate from Ghana she’s pretty chill, clean , doesn’t blast music super super loudly, which is all I could ask for.
I move on quickly. It’s kind of concerning how fast I adapt and move on. Nomad. How quickly something else becomes the “new normal”, not just when moving locations I suppose emotionally too, just like “well that persons gone, what’s next?”. Not to sound blasé. I just purge what I feel like it’s priority for me to digest and acknowledge and meditate , above all else preserving my peace, like Im self centered and selfish in the sense I just am so territorial of my own mental resources and faculties, take care of myself to I feel better.
My priority when I go anywhere is just “make this new place feel normal, get used to it. Baseline for comfort shift. "Adapt, adapt. Overcome, overcome.” As long as I have myself and feel grounded to me I’m good where ever I go.
I ❤️myself.
If you want to get metaphysical I have an empty 1st house in Scorpio lol which I interpret as quiet mentality, no interference from other planets or conjunctions misting up my identity.

-Also in here in uni I’m "popular" for once. Ish. I have more friends now that I ever had in highschool. “Friends” , they’re more like acquaintances, but still. I think it’s because I’m just relaxed and more chatty given I live alone, trying to meet my quota for human interaction, even though im super introverted tbh. Maybe being female in engineering other people just are naturally inclined to speak with me, not even in a romance sense I don’t get hit on or propositioned in anyway romantically, I just I’m just less intimidating so people just feel comfortable asking me things.

- I had tinder for a month, from January to early February. I deleted it. There’s no way the LOML is on tinder lmfao. I didn’t download it with the intention of actually going on dates, I just wanted to see how many likes I would get lol.
God. I’m so terrified of romance,
I’m such a sad emotional sap.
I don’t think I can date casually without falling in love but there’s no guarantee the other person will feel the same and that “leap of faith” element is what makes me the most shit-scared. I might try to act cool but really I’m depressingly gut wrenchingly romantic and honestly. The notion of having someone matter so much they become an extension of yourself is the second most scary thing for me, I guess I thought of it like a parasite almost— The notion to not be selfish, to feel so deeply for another you betray your human instinct for self preservation and you’d 100% die for them, or atleast I would (hopeless romantic wooo!!). I think that is how I’d define love. If one can even label something as intangible and illusive.

I also went out with some friends i met here at uni to a bar, it was fun. tbh i was a little miffed these mofos cant handle alcohol (and im the "responsible" one since im the oldest) it was a bit like herding cats, and i slept on my friends puked on mattress in his dorm lmfao since i couldnt afford a $38 uber back home at 3 am lmao. Im so sober. I detest getting drunk because I don’t like feeling out of control and sway-y. The few times I did get 'drunk' I just felt like I still was in control -- like my mind was still "me". My inner monologue is still intact. I was throwing up and falling over, but I can’t get away from my mind., the only thing it helped in doing was just making me disoriented and slowing my brain to a frustrating degree-- i mean it is a "depressant"-- some sort of disconnect or slowing down of the molecules communicating between my brain stem and conscious mind, or whatever electrical impulses are happening. TLDR alcohol isn’t fun.

I hate waking up early. I “ fake till you make” try to be a morning person and tell myself that often in a bid to convince my subconscious— I had to wake up at 5-6am for work. I still wake up at 6am to catch the 7am bus get to campus at 7:30 for an 8am m-w-f, and It’s physically painful.
I hate the cold— I hate how bitter it feels to be taken away from comfort.

I am so allergic to discomfort now. Maybe I been uncomfortable for too long I’ve finally reached critical levels and now my body has decided it’s intolerable. Most of my behavior and motivation I think can be boiled down to comfort seeking, and any of the discipline I do now is temporary discomfort is in the promise of larger sums of future comfort maybe..
I’m just so tired. Mental fatigue. I want to rest.
On weekends I sleep at midnight and wake up at 12:30pm.

I don’t wear my glasses that often. I don’t dissociate anymore so not wearing them gets me back to the same hazy detached feeling away from my environment. I basically lost my entire late teenage years to do DPDR, so much so that I would post so frequently to r/DPDR i still to this day years later get direct messages from people with their personal queries asking if (1) I got better, or (2) if I found a medication or cure or (3) the poor souls just vent, usually along the lines of “I smoked weed now my brain is fucked” — since somehow my posts gained some traction on there. (Side tangent I would never smoke weed for that reason I’m already fucked up I know marijuana dickriders will harp on how it’s “harmless” but I been DMed by one too many 15 year olds on Reddit anecdotally to believe weed does anything helpful at all) (side-side tangent: I didn’t “get” my DPDR from weed btw it just sort of happened gradually, I suspect the catalyst was anxiety or loneliness, but speculating on the causes is purely academic now. By the time I realized I was up to my nose 24/7 dissociated drowning in that horrible feeling. My mind just fractured and I was stuck in that haze for almost 3 consecutive years).

At the time the 24/7 derealization was hell on earth, I genuinely thought I was going psychotic or something and I’d get the weirdest bouts of amnesia, I just felt so stupefied and scatterbrained it ruined a lot of my social relationships since I just could not intellectually or socially communicate. But now I’m somewhat nostalgic for the feeling and I just want to not exist anymore. The blur from not wearing my glasses protects me from the terrible sober crisp feeling of my senses around me.

I look in the mirror or at myself in photos and have to remember “my name is x y I live in 123 internet street, my parents are —- and —- , I have a brother and enjoy doing x y z.. “ There is genuinely zero connection to my identity. Idk if it’s just a cerebral tendency. I sorta feel like a floating consciousness.
It’s caused me to neglect myself. I have very little desire to do what I’ve affectionately termed “human maintenance” LOL. Except for fashion/ expressionism/art projects, but they’ve always been more about concepts than vanity. I genuinely don’t mean to sound pretentious, 100% transparency this is how I actually feel. Been described as a “space case” and “eccentric” by some irl acquaintances. I’m inclined to believe them.
I’ve always sorta been this way.

My brother was telling me about a video game we had as kids and I literally have ZERO recollection of it. It was “Mario sports mix game” and when I said “did we actually have the game or did we just watch gameplay videos of it?” And assured me we actually had it/played it. I have no idea if that’s true but his memory is more accurate than mine. It feels like something I would remember,,. But idk. A old childhood friend reminded me that apparently we found a baby raccoon as kids and somehow got it into a box/ their mom had to call animal control but I also have ZERO recollection of that. Another childhood friend asked me “hey remember when CPS came to my house because the bitch neighbor Ms Peggy thought I was being neglected??” (She wasn’t being neglected, her mom was a single mom and the aforementioned bitch Peggy called the cops bc she fell of her bike while the mom was at work) I don’t remember any of my childhood except a few weird memories. Like when I “gained conciousness” and the death of Jenny Rivera LOL. I can’t be nostalgic and that sucks, but whatever. All I have are photos on my 3DS and moms digi cam.

I think I’m going to get dementia, my great grandma had it at 98 but I’m deffo gonna get it like at 30. My memory is actually so terrible.

I have a decent amount of savings but wanted to put another $3k by the end of the year.
No spend year. Only food and transport. I’ve bought so much crap this past year I don’t even NEED! Genuinely upsetting when I think about it. Gonna get a summer job. And hopefully save.
Als I came across a subsection of people who choose to only work part time jobs/live very frugally. They do it because they want more time for hobbies/self improvement. Tbh, it’ll probably be me in the future. I NEVER could imagine myself working full time tbh call me lazy or whatever but genuinely , I’d sooner kms than only live for the weekends.. I don’t think that’s feasible in the US (where I’m from) these people generally move to universal healthcare countries/ are all living abroad. One woman was a lawyer and now does part time consulting for an engineering firm— which sounds like my kind of life. Another guy was a finance bro for a big 4 and ended up doing chicken farming.
Realizing, deeply INTERNALIZING life is so so short.
Dunno which country I’d hypothetically move to if I ever was to try this. maybe somewhere warm and tropical since im allergic to the cold ((i hate winter lmao and i live in TEXAS so idek what "real cold" feels like all i know is that i hate it :3 ))

I lowkey love Valentine’s Day just cuz I love seeing heart decor n stuff everywhere. When else can I buy a 10ft big teddy bear and a box of chocolates in a heart shape?? Idc about not having a s/o— it’s a consumerist holiday AND I LOVE CONSUMING! Where’s the harm in that? I lowkey feel annoyed at people who bitch about being single all the time n hating Valentine’s Day. Get a life fr. like why is being single such an awful and terrible thing? i understand loneliness but get it together, like start a project of some sort and live ya life instead of wallowing in self pity fs,, not saying they're wrong for feeling that way but cOME ON. ((can you tell im salty bc i had this exact convo with someone,, yes im still frustrated because they KEPT TALKING ABOUT HOW SINGLE THEY WERE and i was busy tryna finish physics homework _^_))

I deffo have a avoidant attachment style tho. Terrible avoidance that makes me ghost people I really like cuz when It gets too serious I want to run away. Genuine terrified fear ydek. Maybe its a self esteem thing, doubting that anyone actually likes me. I don’t see what they get out of it— being around me that is, tried to imagine their motivations but can’t come up with any other conclusion than them supplementing their loneliness with semi-tolerable distractions (aka me) — I am the distraction, and id rather gtfo before they ditch me. Like a deep deep anxiety I need to gtfo n be alone or something terrible will happen.

I hope no one ik IRL reads this and comes to the conclusion "oh she ignores me?" = "she likes me" cuz i dont. i dont have a crush on anyone ik irl. chances are i just dont feel like talking atm. when i have a crush on someone im not shy about it, i become rico suave lmao but once it gets REAL and not all fun talk i run for the hills.

Speaking about distractions. Took my first calc 2 test in the sped test center at my college cuz I got accommodations for my ADHD now. Idk if it’s just cuz I worked so hard I burnt out last semester but shit feels like I’m taking the “easy way” now that I have help ykwim? Like I get noise canceling headphones AND can pace around the room n stretch AND a formula sheet?? Feels like I’m in Buckingham Palace fs. It was super easy. I thought calc 2 was hard lol. Those words might come back and bite me tho. Chemistry n Physics are whooping my candy ass. I even bought a flip phone to maybe help my grades this semester, like tryna reduce screentime and increase study time but realized for school i need 2fa so its useless now.. my mom gave me her old digi cam tho!

A life lived by proxy. All my memories aren’t mine, living vicariously through YouTubers or creative writing trying to imagine myself away, as someone cooler with more life experience, actual friends and memories. Genuinely all I do is school
Screens been glitching more than usual. Bluetooth headphones chirping static. — I have a schizoid dellusion that im a robot emminating a frequency thats somehow "evil" influenced by a "nucleus" power source under my skin and the suns elecromagnetic solar flares that causes my dissociation / heart palpitations / visual snow / weird nerve pain / muscle twitches / electronics bugging out. ITS ALL CONNECTED!! like there is an electrical component to me and its defective.

Need to restructure my life. Realized there’s something wrong to only look forward to when I can next sleep. Escapist tendencies fs. Someone who only lives to sleep is living no life at all.

I genuinely have no life. My memories are confined to the four walls of my room or the 1,058 sqft that make up my house.

I don’t get out much. I need to get out more.

“Do you wrestle with dreams? Do you contend with shadows? Do you move in a kind of sleep? Time has slipped away. Your life is stolen. You tarried with trifles, Victim of your folly.”

“Confine yourself to observing and you always miss the point of your own life. The object can be stated this way: Live the best life you can. Life is a game whose rules you learn if you leap into it and play it to the hilt. Otherwise, you are caught off balance, continually surprised by the shifting play. Non-players often whine and complain that luck always passes them by. They refuse to see that they can create some of their own luck.”

^^More Dune quotes !! ((I couldn’t get thru the movie lmao I only watched 1/3rd , somehow I don’t have the attention span for movies but will gladly read 600pages of a book lol))

Every six months or so, I get nostalgic, reminiscing about old friendships and conversations. Right now, I'm particularly nostalgic for 2022, when I was reading Dune Vol.1 , 1984, and Neuromancer with internet friends. I have fond memories from then: studying for college entry exams, graduating high school, starting a new job at a grocery store, and texting both him and an Italian girl on Instagram. cool people, both of them. i dont speak much to either of them anymore. I don’t know if he ever finished Dune or if she ever finished Plaths Bell jar, but yeah both are probably the most formative book I’ve read aside from The Bell Jar.

I think I’m going to book a solo vacation for this summer. Maybe Tokyo, since yen is cheap, and it’s pretty safe for a single female traveler. I told my mom, and she freaked out because “you’ve never been anywhere” and thinks I’m too "green," which is true. But: 1. It’s better to miss home than to miss out on the world. 2. I need to man up, figure it out, and survive. Don’t let fear govern you. “Fear is the mind-killer” and whatnot. ((As you can tell my mind exists relating EVERYTHING to dune LOL)

I don’t care, though. It's better to ask for forgiveness after than for permission. She tried to negotiate with me, wanting me to bring my brother or a friend along. But tbh, I’d rather pay 2x for a hotel room than put up with an entourage that doesn’t care about what we’re seeing. If I bring either of them, they’ll probably just follow me around like ducks, leaving me to do all the planning, or standing around with their AirPods. I need ENTHUSIASM!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE! Someone with a wandering spirit, who wants to see the world.

It’s not that I don’t value the people in my life, like it’s not that I don’t think they’re cool enough to travel or do things with, but I don’t really think I have all that much in common with anyone I know/ ion really fw them ((I don’t mean to sound like a dick and I know this mentality only alienates me from others more but it’s genuinely how I feel)) . Id rather be alone than feel like I always have to be “on” around others.

God. I wish I had a life tho. I wish I was normal and had friends the same way other people are friends with each other. I wish my only worries were interpersonal relationship drama and social things. I have no problems besides finance stuff and my own anally retentive stupid neurotic problems i create for myself— theres always something in my way and its ME.

heres some photos of me in a windbreaker i thought was cool, u can kinda see my dad in the background lol

Really hate people who complain without offering an alternative or solution. Ofc some issues need awareness but awareness alone won’t solve anything. I also understand not having enough brain power to confidently communicate a solution, but to that my rebuttal is; if you have enough brain capacity to realize and recognize it, you can DO something about it. Apathetic people bug me. Ofc I am a total hypocrite. Both in being bothered by apathy, basically my default state of being and the whole complaining thing. Ofc just taking in generalities. I sort of hate ppl who are too general, generalities regarding issues which surpass and need self awareness / lack the lexicon to label something. Irritates me when on the same wavelength but neither can communicate it or pierce the surface tension to outwardly acknowledge it. Maybe the 2016 edgy anti sjw "dank meme" phase got to me where I hate identity politics and labels, idk just Icks me out like I guess it’s comforting and validating to have a term for an identity, but me, idc LET ME LIVE gonna run into the forest butt ass naked covering myself with cold leafs to evade heat seeking cameras. I am such a hypocrite.

Derealization to me feels like my brain is cold and frozen, like the cells have slowed down like molecules transforming from gas to water to ice, like a persistent brain freeze and I need to thaw my brain to get out of the funk.

Male friends get a gf and they ghost u all of a sudden, which i get, but makes me wonder what they really think of me. I need more girl friends. where the hoes attttt.

God i need a makeover. I am seeing myself slowly deteriorating. Every bit of my personality and expressionism is becoming beige and boring because I lowkey stopped caring (depression + school stress -_- !!) n I’ve just become so ugly and plain looking… ydek The absolute HORROR when a 10/10 fine shyt walks by and I look like a normie ugly ass with greasy hair. It’s even worse when it’s an alternative person who looks really cool and I LOOK SO NORMAL— I want them to recognize me as one of them 😭 like I’m cool too please give me a chance 🙏🙏

I think my only virtue is that Im a very grateful person, which I guess makes me by proxy a temperamentally optimistic person. The other day I was just feeling low, for no explicable reason beyond general annoyance and overwhelming anxiety, then I snapped out of it (somwhat) with ; “at least music exists, atleast i have money, my sinuses are clear and i dont have a sore throat, and I have parents who love me” but the physical anxiety sensation didn’t leave, just ended the thought loop. Not a cure, especially if you must force oneself to believe. But I DO believe, so it works / is a cure for me. Idc if I’m ignorant or naive IM HAPPY! Yet skeptical. But isn’t contradiction the tragedy yet beauty of life?

I’m gonna be honest. I’m going through an art block phase of massive proportions rn — the magnitude of which I’ve never experienced before. Maybe it’s just shit state of mental health related— derealization + apathy + lack of motivation etc, but idk. I’ve been more depressed in the past and I’ve been more creative then so ?? What’s my excuse?? There is none. idk what’s wrong with me.

I look at drawings and empty sketchbooks only to realize the most recent works I’ve done mostly date back to early/mid 2023 :/ .. like,, damn.. I haven’t done anything all in 2024 ;-; .. n that’s soul crushing.

I guess the only benefit to this brief interlude/pause from art is now I look back and see right thru my “art blindness” — like, with time apart, I’ve grown to acquire a more discerning eye and auto-constructive criticism. I was looking at some sketches and was like: “DAMN that neck is huge!” “Noses don’t look like that??” “Why df didn’t I see that at the time?? How did I ever think that was ACCEPTABLE?!” Which I guess is good since it means I have room for growth and progress :’) !! So all hope is not lost. Also, It might sound pretentious but I’m the kind of person who needs an concept behind my endeavors — I can’t be creative without it, the idea machine won’t turn. To clarify, I don’t necessarily mean my work has to have a “message” behind it per se, but if unless if I’m drawing some random object/reference photo from pinterest I need an IDEA behind it. So ig now I have a clearer vision for what I want and the specific niche and I’m going for, yk? ((me tryna be optimistic and find the light in this or else ill kms lol))

However, it’s my skill level that torments me the most. I hate the fact my abilities haven’t linearly increased consistently and instead just sorta deteriorated.. Last semester, I drew so little i practically forgot how which completely crippled my ability to draw for a while!!:’D I recovered *most* motor function in my right hand lol, but I’m just stressed. Next semester is approaching and I’m terrified it’s gonna happen AGAIN :/ . I really need to balance work-life-school. Rn it’s 70% school 29% work/life stuff and 1% art when it should be closer to 50%school 25%life/work 25% art. But I’m so so worried and trust myself so little in my academic studies i OVER CORRECT just to have **insurance** and peace of mind I won’t fail the semester . I need at least a B but always work wayyy too hard for an A even tho an A offers little/no benefit in the grand scheme of things. I guess it’s cuz I’m a 1st gen college student/ my parents (who’ve given everything for me to have a better life) really depend on my success ,, n I end up losing myself in the process:/ but eh ✌︎('ω'✌︎ ) imposter syndrome and eldest child burnout can be it’s separate diary entry; me no have the brain powa rn to have any coherent heart-to-heart convo about the matter.

Given up on learning Japanese because i realized, no matter how *much* i study will probably never even be CLOSE to intermediate…,,, like, unless I move abroad and enroll in a Japanese language school I’ll probs never be able to understand people IRL just being honest. My current language learning routine as of late has been internet archive grammar books(genki1/2) + a few vocab apps like duo and memerise-- I probs only study 45 mins a week which isn’t much but uuaaaghh I give up. Moving onto an actual "achievable" language ,, but will still keep doing god awful Duolingo so my skill lvl doesn’t totally DETERIORATE/ I don’t totally forget everything from these past 4 years lol -_- .. im lowkey sad because japanese is pretty fun , i enjoy the challenge. for some reason sticks better in my brain than when i tried to do russian for a year in highschool and proceeded to FORGeT EVERYTHING,,, imo russian is WAYYYY harder than japanese. Gonna try to learn German instead. Id like to be A2-B1 by the end of the year lol wish me luck.. Briefly considered doing French, but I consume a heck of a lot more German media these days,,, listening to a lot of german music/am following a lot of german artists on social media.. (even tho they ALL speak English perfectly ;-; ) idk it just seems cooler/actually feasible. Can’t wait til I can comprehend ski aggu lyrics in their full sophisticated poetic beauty :3

New routine consists of lingoda lessons maybe once a week (whenever I can afford to do sprint) , internet archive grammar workbooks, duolingo/memerise for vocab, Nico’s weg, and pimslur. 30-60 mins a day 6 days a week.

Also.. finally reutilizing my planet fitness gym membership .. I been lacking lately.. gotta get back on that 100g protein / maxing out machines at the gym fitness god level . my quads look amazing... I’ve been flirting with the idea of joining the military lowkey (for personal reasons I won’t divulge here) but want to condition my body so I can pass a pt test *just incase* my situation rn gets too dire ,, which unfortunately means I gotta start doing pushups .. go d my arms are so scrawny it literally makes me want to kms thinking about how physically weak I am :/

And I know I say this every year but I really need to start a project or something. I have the OUTLINES! I have so many concept sketches and blueprints to animations, clothes I want to make, a fucking videogame and content ideas but can’t put my plans in motion yet :( just really feel the need to get my shit together first :////////// mannnnn.. but in the wise words of a tweet i saw before deleting twitter: "You dont need more information what you need is action" ni felt that :/

Passed my test yesterday;) finally. Been driving illegally for 4 years since I was 16 lol. To everyone I told: “I have my license” ; I lied lol ITS SO EMBARRASSING TO BE 20 YEARS OLD IN THE UNITED STATES AND NO LICENSE WHEN EVERYONE HAS IT!!! + driving is superduper necessary ((unless u live in LA or NYC)) esp cuz i live in TEXAS! ! :( WHICH IS PROBS THE MOST CAR DEPENDANT SHITHOLE EVER!! Can’t do fucking A N Y THIN G without Ubering or driving yourself (╥﹏╥) ffffff.

I’m a pretty shit driver ngl in all honesty. I’m quite impulsive, prone to speeding, and my derealization dulls my senses I lowkey have rlly bad spatial awareness. But yet again idk if that’s me or the culture Texas drivers have. They literally will rather watch u hit the concrete barrier than speed up/ slow down in order to let u merge (੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ ♡ + will drive at night with highbeams powerful enough to burn ur retinas u in .2 seconds or WILL DRIVE WITH THEM OFF AND COAST IN UR BLINDSPOTS !! (I literally almost hit a guy driving to work @5am cuz bro HAD HIS HEADLIGHTS OFF IN MY BLINDSPOT!! ). Also , everyone drives a gas guzzling lifted truck big enough to lift their fragile egos n im scared in a tiny ass compact sedan lol

I tried to get my license last year but failed:/ ! L I T ER ALLY ABOUT TO TURN BACK INTO THE DPS 20 ft away!!! according to the examiner, when turning left I drifted too far into the middle/wasnt 100% in the right lane :////// "you had done everything right but thats an automatic fail" >n<.. then I just never tried again.. god I was so close. ugh. then i cried all the way home lmfao.

This time we had to drive 4-6 hours away in a lil ass town some extended family lives in, literally in the middle of buttfuck nowhere because all DPS offices near me are booked solid til June. I passed, but I mega fibbed the parallel parking portion. On my first attempt i aced that shit, but this time i totally forgot how T-T . I was like “do I have to” and the examiner was like “it’s -10 points if you don’t” and I was like “that’s fine, I’ll forfeit it” bc I was 100% sure I was gonna hit the curb and THAT would be insta fail. The lady testing me was a super sweet nice old lady, tho, way better than my first examner. She said “I can’t parallel park either sweetie, i understand” <3 and I passed!! YIPEEEEEEEE!
anyways i only lost -13 points in total, needed 70/100 to pass and i got a 87/100... not bad considering I’m a fucking moron.

To celebrate I got Mario kart + expansion packs on my switch :3 ((p.s how dare Nintendo charge money for extra maps for an ALREADY 60$ game !! .. like.. idk, maybe this is common practice nowadays in the video game market but jeez $60 + $20 for waluigi pinball ffffff >:( L NINTENDO ))

part of me feels like i HAVE to put 100% into EVERYTHING , so its not worth celebrating, but yet again ive neglect so much of myself in the pursuit of perfection.,.,... ;////////// uaaaahhhh im just afraid my "best" wont be enough,,,,, so i NEED to grind super hard to have "insurance", yk? like "RAAAAGHHHHH GRINDSET" MUST pull an allnighter studying and get all 10/10 all 100%'s *incase* i fuck up later down the road so can cope with the fact "ive gotten so many A's , one F wont bring down my grade/ill still get an A in the course".. but idk if destroying yourself is necessarily the right approach, yk? maybe im just neurotic... on the plus side i basically didnt even have to study for finals/ sorta just coasted thru it since i had SO MUCH extra credit!!! i MINIMUM only needed to a 50% grades for all the remaining assignments to get an A. a win is a win.

id like to thank: me, myself and, i couldn't do it without the rando stranger-crushes from class! ;') stg EVERY semester my brain gets a crush on some random person. if i had any self awareness id say its the copeium way my brain tricks itself into attending classes/ not totally falling out of interest with the classes subject material LOL T-T .. (which is probs more true than i realize LOL). one "crush" for everysingle one of the four classes im enrolled in. 3 girls and only 1 of them was a dude, which im honestly surprised about, since irl its sorta rare for me to feel attracted to men. all of the crushes were on people i literally NEVER SPOKE TO except for the occasional forced icebreaker-introduction activity in the beginning of the semester in every class. also i attend a COMMUNITY COLLEGE so udk how hard it is to find ppl attractive when the majority of ppl in class are like 6 years older than you with wifes and kids.
tbh, "crush" is a pretty very loose term for me.. im not a very romantic person. they were mostly just people i find attractive and bc they were TOTAL STRANGERS; i didnt really know anything about them i would never seriously consider asking any of them out,,, my eyes just sorta gravitated to them during lectures n stuff LOL just my eyecandy for 5 months of the year (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)!! if im totally being fr havent been infatuated with someone in a really long time, like since highschool. part of me is worried about dying alone yadayada but the rest of me idgaf.
on another note, would call this semester a W tho bc i made like 7 new acquaintances!!! yay!! wouldn't necessarily call em "friends" yet cuz we probably will never hang out irl / mostly just depended on each other for homework/bond solely thru the means of an educational trauma bond, but still. a win is a win.

ughhhhghhhhhhhh. gonna take calc 2, physics 1, and gen chem 1 next year ,,, 12 credits,,, not bad,, but my physics class is an afternoon class from 7pm - 11 pm at NIGHT i wanna dieeeee my sleep sched. and daily routine is gonna be FUCKED... must train my body to accept sleeping at 12am -8am instead of the ideal 9pm-6 am but whatever. this whole engineering degree better be worth it istg -_- ....

idk what to give to myself as a gift :/// i promised myself in the beginning of the semester that id buy myself a really special thing as a reward, but im so empty inside. no material thing really attracts me. i could use a new phone but seems sorta wasteful when the one i already own works fine.. maybe a pimsleur yearly subscription so i can finally sprechen some fuckin deutsch LOL


anyways watched interstella 5555 in the movie theaters god it was so dope.. they played music videos after guh i love them sm

fuk dat place fr ╭∩╮( •̀_•́ )╭∩╮

the general manager of the store only wanted to give me a $1 raise .. upping my pay to a whopping $13.80 an hour 😍😍 even tho everyone else in my department makes $15+ with LESS EXPERIENCE AND TIME AT THE COMPANY!!!!! Idk why it took me 2 years to realize I’m being significantly underpaid, now I can’t help but feel vexed. The notion wouldn’t leave, so I quit :3. I can’t work somewhere where I feel resentful lol.

I still wanted a job lol so i tried a compromise: asking to transfer departments. I just needed a raise and a change of pace. Tbh I’m just burnt out, doing the same thing for 2 1/2 years. I asked to go to the fruit department where I’d literally be cutting fruit all day— my DREAM. No socializing or customer service , + they had an opening and i was chill with that department manager, but NOOOO the GM reallyyy didn’t want to move me (cuz ig for whatever reason I’m “important” now in the department I’m already in <(ꐦㅍ _ㅍ)>) and offered me really shitty positions (like stocker or starbucks— stuff I NEVER want to) and I’d be getting no raise,, almost as a way to strongarm me into staying in online order fulfillment (the department Im currently in). OOF (yes that’s the actual acronym for my department ) was super chill and good but then 1. The cool department and store manager left and 2. They started getting more serious about it, like making us wear gay ass neon vests and walkie talkies — ok like whatever, i don’t have a problem with them cracking down like I get it, business is business, but like to not even update pay despite the increased workload is wack.

I was cunning tho ;) lil mischievous n conniving muahahahah (*-`ω´- )人 . ψ(｀∇´)ψ A month ago, I claimed my vacation week. We get paid vacation (which is the only good benefit at that job). I claimed it conveniently for October 21-28. I put my 2 week last Sunday on the 13th, 2 weeks before my vacation so *technically* I get paid for my last week without having to go work :D!! Moral of the story: I will get the last laugh. (Even tho they played me for a fool for 2.5 years not paying me my worth.)
Dunno what imma do now. Maybe just draw n study some more, might fuck around n take a wintermester idk..

heres some pics from my trip to mexico last year

Finished my general credits and am now at a turning point where i have to choose between major-specific courses.
waaaghhhhhghhhhhhnmmnnnnnnssehhhhhh
I know what I *don’t* want but I also have no idea what I do want.

I think about Sylvia Plaths fig tree quote often:
“ I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. […] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I learned i actually hate programming. I hate English. Basically any social science or arts degree is out bc 1. low job prospects and 2. I actually really like those subjects -- but just in my own free time, could never study them academically. But am doing alright in my math courses. I’m in calc 1 and think I could get through calc 2. People tell me engineering would be good -- n that it’s not *super* programming heavy, but idk :/// i think thats what im gonna do.. if i lived in the pursuit of happiness rather than the almighty dollar ; id be studying languages or 2D animation abroad.

what i want out of college:
- a job with a good work life balance.
- to make $60k minimum or more.
- something NOT in customer service.
^^is that too much to ask ; _ ; ??


on the bright side, my melons are flourishing :3
heres sum pics from a trip to a casino a while back

definitely not a habit I envisioned picking up this year lol.. i was never really religious. idk what brought this phase on.. but fr. call it delusion or whatever — tbh I’m still not 100% married to the idea there’s ~something~ (like a god) in the universe that can hear much less answer my prayers, but I am so so desperate to have my circumstances change, I’m hoping for a miracle. i feel an indescribable, overwhelming , burning, restless urgency that something needs doing. I can’t stay like this.

I prayed to Saint Catherine of Bologna for artistic inspiration, Joseph of Cupertino for studying and school help, and Arc Angel Gabriel and Michael for courage, determination, and discipline. And though it’s probably really sad, I straight up talked to myself for hours under the pretense of “talking to Jesus” or whatever the f is out there, about my day and my current "situation", because i have no one irl to talk to :/ Im actually really lonely. well.. I mean, I don’t *feel* lonely. I don’t crave other people, I’m not *alone*, im surrounded by family and a handful of acquaintances IRL at school/work, but there’s a surface tension I can’t burst— things I can’t talk to anyone else about. I feel no connection with others, An innate alienation, just cant relate to others. tbh, as long as I feel connected with myself, grounded, by means of talking to myself or prayer or whatever, I’m not alone. I have me myself. even if there is nothing out there, atleast its a means to mindfulness. almost like medidation.

Trying to hide my increasing willingness to participate in religion because my mom will be wayy to excited about it. She’d think I agree with her about some prejudicial beliefs. i hate weaponized spiritualism, twisting words to push a wrong, oppressive narrative (typical religious-conservative bs). I don’t want to give her that satisfaction. I lowkey hate religious people that are like annoyingly religious. Ik it’s parts of peoples religions, like its within the belief system to promote it but THERES A line between participating in your religion and straight up being annoying

on saturday, i went to church. i had just got off work and felt the need to meditate and rest-- but i didnt want to go home. it was mostly empty (probably cuz it was 4pm on a saturday) , and i noticed they were doing confessions. got in line behind a very talkative old man. somehow the sparse converstion turned to taking turns reciting the latin across the walls. he told me, "dont bother learning latin, unless you want to become a preist or talk to demons" LMAO. eventually it was my turn. i probably sounded insane. i hadnt really prepared anything so i sorta just rambled to the preist. im suprised as soon as I stepped out the box the feds werent waiting for me with a strait jacket to send me to the looney bin but i wasnt too worried cuz apparently if you confess a murder they won’t snitch you lest they be excommunicated ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ-- not to say i confessed a murder haha. but fr. it was stressful. priests have the most aura, their energy is overwhelming. im suprised i was able to speak at all in the presence of such aura lol.
afterward, i just sat there. at the pew, staring at the latin on the walls again. i didnt stay too long, tho, they had asmr water running sounds and it made me want to pee.

Catholic imagery go brrrrr
also went to a hispanic grocery store i havent been to in foreverrrr

new format!
hope u like ~~
sorta fucked tho cuz idfk how to css lmfao. probably looks like shit on mobile sorryyyyy ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡♡♡
tryna put more photos in here.. i have sm photos on my dinky lil iphone 11 camera roll, i figured uploading them here would be useful for archives sake +make this site more of a blog rather than a boring ass block of text.. might even upload scans of lil half-doodle comic-y diary entries i have in my actual paper journal à la diary of a wimpy kid style.

anywaysss I TURNED 20!!
thats such a real adult age. too real. but, tbh, reading some of my previous diary entries and iphone notes app vents -- idk why df i was trippin so much ab it. i was genuinely losing sleep n i fr cried myself to sleep in the weeks leading up to the big day.
now that its happened, idgaf.
the build up was 10x worse, idk why i mythologized it in my head so much-- mythologizing that turning 20 would be some terrible event worth dreading over.

i like being 20 now. cant wait to turn 21 n buy a 4loko>:)!!
no but fr,
its empowering.
im not some push over little kid anymore. im not some confused teenager looking for validation in others. i know who i am, and im so functional now. only with time i achieved this amount of wisdom and im proud of myself. im so much wiser than i was..
i <3 meeeee!!!

i still dont know why as a culture were expected yearn for youth, romanticizing the growing pains and confusion associated with being young, looking back on my teen years im genuinely surprised i thugged it out for so long lmfao id kill myself if i had to do it again.

anyways.. went to a fancy upscale shopping center n got myself a new ipad n some clothes as birthday gift to myself. spent $600 bucks (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)... didnt end up buying those banana wallets tho and i regret it .‸.
after i went to arcade with my family, won 1st place in mario kart >:D !! got vampire teeth and candy with all 96 tickets i earned.. then went home, ate some ice cream cake, made a wish (cant say what or else it wont come true).. and set up my new ipad for the rest of the day. 10/10 birthday.