I’m gonna be honest. I’m going through an art block phase of massive proportions rn — the magnitude of which I’ve never experienced before. Maybe it’s just shit state of mental health related— derealization + apathy + lack of motivation etc, but idk. I’ve been more depressed in the past and I’ve been more creative then so ?? What’s my excuse?? There is none. idk what’s wrong with me.

I look at drawings and empty sketchbooks only to realize the most recent works I’ve done mostly date back to early/mid 2023 :/ .. like,, damn.. I haven’t done anything all in 2024 ;-; .. n that’s soul crushing.

I guess the only benefit to this brief interlude/pause from art is now I look back and see right thru my “art blindness” — like, with time apart, I’ve grown to acquire a more discerning eye and auto-constructive criticism. I was looking at some sketches and was like: “DAMN that neck is huge!” “Noses don’t look like that??” “Why df didn’t I see that at the time?? How did I ever think that was ACCEPTABLE?!” Which I guess is good since it means I have room for growth and progress :’) !! So all hope is not lost. Also, It might sound pretentious but I’m the kind of person who needs an concept behind my endeavors — I can’t be creative without it, the idea machine won’t turn. To clarify, I don’t necessarily mean my work has to have a “message” behind it per se, but if unless if I’m drawing some random object/reference photo from pinterest I need an IDEA behind it. So ig now I have a clearer vision for what I want and the specific niche and I’m going for, yk? ((me tryna be optimistic and find the light in this or else ill kms lol))

However, it’s my skill level that torments me the most. I hate the fact my abilities haven’t linearly increased consistently and instead just sorta deteriorated.. Last semester, I drew so little i practically forgot how which completely crippled my ability to draw for a while!!:’D I recovered *most* motor function in my right hand lol, but I’m just stressed. Next semester is approaching and I’m terrified it’s gonna happen AGAIN :/ . I really need to balance work-life-school. Rn it’s 70% school 29% work/life stuff and 1% art when it should be closer to 50%school 25%life/work 25% art. But I’m so so worried and trust myself so little in my academic studies i OVER CORRECT just to have **insurance** and peace of mind I won’t fail the semester . I need at least a B but always work wayyy too hard for an A even tho an A offers little/no benefit in the grand scheme of things. I guess it’s cuz I’m a 1st gen college student/ my parents (who’ve given everything for me to have a better life) really depend on my success ,, n I end up losing myself in the process:/ but eh ✌︎('ω'✌︎ ) imposter syndrome and eldest child burnout can be it’s separate diary entry; me no have the brain powa rn to have any coherent heart-to-heart convo about the matter.

Given up on learning Japanese because i realized, no matter how *much* i study will probably never even be CLOSE to intermediate…,,, like, unless I move abroad and enroll in a Japanese language school I’ll probs never be able to understand people IRL just being honest. My current language learning routine as of late has been internet archive grammar books(genki1/2) + a few vocab apps like duo and memerise-- I probs only study 45 mins a week which isn’t much but uuaaaghh I give up. Moving onto an actual "achievable" language ,, but will still keep doing god awful Duolingo so my skill lvl doesn’t totally DETERIORATE/ I don’t totally forget everything from these past 4 years lol -_- .. im lowkey sad because japanese is pretty fun , i enjoy the challenge. for some reason sticks better in my brain than when i tried to do russian for a year in highschool and proceeded to FORGeT EVERYTHING,,, imo russian is WAYYYY harder than japanese. Gonna try to learn German instead. Id like to be A2-B1 by the end of the year lol wish me luck.. Briefly considered doing French, but I consume a heck of a lot more German media these days,,, listening to a lot of german music/am following a lot of german artists on social media.. (even tho they ALL speak English perfectly ;-; ) idk it just seems cooler/actually feasible. Can’t wait til I can comprehend ski aggu lyrics in their full sophisticated poetic beauty :3

New routine consists of lingoda lessons maybe once a week (whenever I can afford to do sprint) , internet archive grammar workbooks, duolingo/memerise for vocab, Nico’s weg, and pimslur. 30-60 mins a day 6 days a week.

Also.. finally reutilizing my planet fitness gym membership .. I been lacking lately.. gotta get back on that 100g protein / maxing out machines at the gym fitness god level . my quads look amazing... I’ve been flirting with the idea of joining the military lowkey (for personal reasons I won’t divulge here) but want to condition my body so I can pass a pt test *just incase* my situation rn gets too dire ,, which unfortunately means I gotta start doing pushups .. go d my arms are so scrawny it literally makes me want to kms thinking about how physically weak I am :/

And I know I say this every year but I really need to start a project or something. I have the OUTLINES! I have so many concept sketches and blueprints to animations, clothes I want to make, a fucking videogame and content ideas but can’t put my plans in motion yet :( just really feel the need to get my shit together first :////////// mannnnn.. but in the wise words of a tweet i saw before deleting twitter: "You dont need more information what you need is action" ni felt that :/

Passed my test yesterday;) finally. Been driving illegally for 4 years since I was 16 lol. To everyone I told: “I have my license” ; I lied lol ITS SO EMBARRASSING TO BE 20 YEARS OLD IN THE UNITED STATES AND NO LICENSE WHEN EVERYONE HAS IT!!! + driving is superduper necessary ((unless u live in LA or NYC)) esp cuz i live in TEXAS! ! :( WHICH IS PROBS THE MOST CAR DEPENDANT SHITHOLE EVER!! Can’t do fucking A N Y THIN G without Ubering or driving yourself (╥﹏╥) ffffff.

I’m a pretty shit driver ngl in all honesty. I’m quite impulsive, prone to speeding, and my derealization dulls my senses I lowkey have rlly bad spatial awareness. But yet again idk if that’s me or the culture Texas drivers have. They literally will rather watch u hit the concrete barrier than speed up/ slow down in order to let u merge (੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ ♡ + will drive at night with highbeams powerful enough to burn ur retinas u in .2 seconds or WILL DRIVE WITH THEM OFF AND COAST IN UR BLINDSPOTS !! (I literally almost hit a guy driving to work @5am cuz bro HAD HIS HEADLIGHTS OFF IN MY BLINDSPOT!! ). Also , everyone drives a gas guzzling lifted truck big enough to lift their fragile egos n im scared in a tiny ass compact sedan lol

I tried to get my license last year but failed:/ ! L I T ER ALLY ABOUT TO TURN BACK INTO THE DPS 20 ft away!!! according to the examiner, when turning left I drifted too far into the middle/wasnt 100% in the right lane :////// "you had done everything right but thats an automatic fail" >n<.. then I just never tried again.. god I was so close. ugh. then i cried all the way home lmfao.

This time we had to drive 4-6 hours away in a lil ass town some extended family lives in, literally in the middle of buttfuck nowhere because all DPS offices near me are booked solid til June. I passed, but I mega fibbed the parallel parking portion. On my first attempt i aced that shit, but this time i totally forgot how T-T . I was like “do I have to” and the examiner was like “it’s -10 points if you don’t” and I was like “that’s fine, I’ll forfeit it” bc I was 100% sure I was gonna hit the curb and THAT would be insta fail. The lady testing me was a super sweet nice old lady, tho, way better than my first examner. She said “I can’t parallel park either sweetie, i understand” <3 and I passed!! YIPEEEEEEEE!
anyways i only lost -13 points in total, needed 70/100 to pass and i got a 87/100... not bad considering I’m a fucking moron.

To celebrate I got Mario kart + expansion packs on my switch :3 ((p.s how dare Nintendo charge money for extra maps for an ALREADY 60$ game !! .. like.. idk, maybe this is common practice nowadays in the video game market but jeez $60 + $20 for waluigi pinball ffffff >:( L NINTENDO ))

part of me feels like i HAVE to put 100% into EVERYTHING , so its not worth celebrating, but yet again ive neglect so much of myself in the pursuit of perfection.,.,... ;////////// uaaaahhhh im just afraid my "best" wont be enough,,,,, so i NEED to grind super hard to have "insurance", yk? like "RAAAAGHHHHH GRINDSET" MUST pull an allnighter studying and get all 10/10 all 100%'s *incase* i fuck up later down the road so can cope with the fact "ive gotten so many A's , one F wont bring down my grade/ill still get an A in the course".. but idk if destroying yourself is necessarily the right approach, yk? maybe im just neurotic... on the plus side i basically didnt even have to study for finals/ sorta just coasted thru it since i had SO MUCH extra credit!!! i MINIMUM only needed to a 50% grades for all the remaining assignments to get an A. a win is a win.

id like to thank: me, myself and, i couldn't do it without the rando stranger-crushes from class! ;') stg EVERY semester my brain gets a crush on some random person. if i had any self awareness id say its the copeium way my brain tricks itself into attending classes/ not totally falling out of interest with the classes subject material LOL T-T .. (which is probs more true than i realize LOL). one "crush" for everysingle one of the four classes im enrolled in. 3 girls and only 1 of them was a dude, which im honestly surprised about, since irl its sorta rare for me to feel attracted to men. all of the crushes were on people i literally NEVER SPOKE TO except for the occasional forced icebreaker-introduction activity in the beginning of the semester in every class. also i attend a COMMUNITY COLLEGE so udk how hard it is to find ppl attractive when the majority of ppl in class are like 6 years older than you with wifes and kids.
tbh, "crush" is a pretty very loose term for me.. im not a very romantic person. they were mostly just people i find attractive and bc they were TOTAL STRANGERS; i didnt really know anything about them i would never seriously consider asking any of them out,,, my eyes just sorta gravitated to them during lectures n stuff LOL just my eyecandy for 5 months of the year (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)!! if im totally being fr havent been infatuated with someone in a really long time, like since highschool. part of me is worried about dying alone yadayada but the rest of me idgaf.
on another note, would call this semester a W tho bc i made like 7 new acquaintances!!! yay!! wouldn't necessarily call em "friends" yet cuz we probably will never hang out irl / mostly just depended on each other for homework/bond solely thru the means of an educational trauma bond, but still. a win is a win.

ughhhhghhhhhhhh. gonna take calc 2, physics 1, and gen chem 1 next year ,,, 12 credits,,, not bad,, but my physics class is an afternoon class from 7pm - 11 pm at NIGHT i wanna dieeeee my sleep sched. and daily routine is gonna be FUCKED... must train my body to accept sleeping at 12am -8am instead of the ideal 9pm-6 am but whatever. this whole engineering degree better be worth it istg -_- ....

idk what to give to myself as a gift :/// i promised myself in the beginning of the semester that id buy myself a really special thing as a reward, but im so empty inside. no material thing really attracts me. i could use a new phone but seems sorta wasteful when the one i already own works fine.. maybe a pimsleur yearly subscription so i can finally sprechen some fuckin deutsch LOL


anyways watched interstella 5555 in the movie theaters god it was so dope.. they played music videos after guh i love them sm

fuk dat place fr ╭∩╮( •̀_•́ )╭∩╮

the general manager of the store only wanted to give me a $1 raise .. upping my pay to a whopping $13.80 an hour 😍😍 even tho everyone else in my department makes $15+ with LESS EXPERIENCE AND TIME AT THE COMPANY!!!!! Idk why it took me 2 years to realize I’m being significantly underpaid, now I can’t help but feel vexed. The notion wouldn’t leave, so I quit :3. I can’t work somewhere where I feel resentful lol.

I still wanted a job lol so i tried a compromise: asking to transfer departments. I just needed a raise and a change of pace. Tbh I’m just burnt out, doing the same thing for 2 1/2 years. I asked to go to the fruit department where I’d literally be cutting fruit all day— my DREAM. No socializing or customer service , + they had an opening and i was chill with that department manager, but NOOOO the GM reallyyy didn’t want to move me (cuz ig for whatever reason I’m “important” now in the department I’m already in <(ꐦㅍ _ㅍ)>) and offered me really shitty positions (like stocker or starbucks— stuff I NEVER want to) and I’d be getting no raise,, almost as a way to strongarm me into staying in online order fulfillment (the department Im currently in). OOF (yes that’s the actual acronym for my department ) was super chill and good but then 1. The cool department and store manager left and 2. They started getting more serious about it, like making us wear gay ass neon vests and walkie talkies — ok like whatever, i don’t have a problem with them cracking down like I get it, business is business, but like to not even update pay despite the increased workload is wack.

I was cunning tho ;) lil mischievous n conniving muahahahah (*-`ω´- )人 . ψ(｀∇´)ψ A month ago, I claimed my vacation week. We get paid vacation (which is the only good benefit at that job). I claimed it conveniently for October 21-28. I put my 2 week last Sunday on the 13th, 2 weeks before my vacation so *technically* I get paid for my last week without having to go work :D!! Moral of the story: I will get the last laugh. (Even tho they played me for a fool for 2.5 years not paying me my worth.)
Dunno what imma do now. Maybe just draw n study some more, might fuck around n take a wintermester idk..

heres some pics from my trip to mexico last year

Finished my general credits and am now at a turning point where i have to choose between major-specific courses.
waaaghhhhhghhhhhhnmmnnnnnnssehhhhhh
I know what I *don’t* want but I also have no idea what I do want.

I think about Sylvia Plaths fig tree quote often:
“ I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. […] I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I learned i actually hate programming. I hate English. Basically any social science or arts degree is out bc 1. low job prospects and 2. I actually really like those subjects -- but just in my own free time, could never study them academically. But am doing alright in my math courses. I’m in calc 1 and think I could get through calc 2. People tell me engineering would be good -- n that it’s not *super* programming heavy, but idk :/// i think thats what im gonna do.. if i lived in the pursuit of happiness rather than the almighty dollar ; id be studying languages or 2D animation abroad.

what i want out of college:
- a job with a good work life balance.
- to make $60k minimum or more.
- something NOT in customer service.
^^is that too much to ask ; _ ; ??


on the bright side, my melons are flourishing :3
heres sum pics from a trip to a casino a while back

definitely not a habit I envisioned picking up this year lol.. i was never really religious. idk what brought this phase on.. but fr. call it delusion or whatever — tbh I’m still not 100% married to the idea there’s ~something~ (like a god) in the universe that can hear much less answer my prayers, but I am so so desperate to have my circumstances change, I’m hoping for a miracle. i feel an indescribable, overwhelming , burning, restless urgency that something needs doing. I can’t stay like this.

I prayed to Saint Catherine of Bologna for artistic inspiration, Joseph of Cupertino for studying and school help, and Arc Angel Gabriel and Michael for courage, determination, and discipline. And though it’s probably really sad, I straight up talked to myself for hours under the pretense of “talking to Jesus” or whatever the f is out there, about my day and my current "situation", because i have no one irl to talk to :/ Im actually really lonely. well.. I mean, I don’t *feel* lonely. I don’t crave other people, I’m not *alone*, im surrounded by family and a handful of acquaintances IRL at school/work, but there’s a surface tension I can’t burst— things I can’t talk to anyone else about. I feel no connection with others, An innate alienation, just cant relate to others. tbh, as long as I feel connected with myself, grounded, by means of talking to myself or prayer or whatever, I’m not alone. I have me myself. even if there is nothing out there, atleast its a means to mindfulness. almost like medidation.

Trying to hide my increasing willingness to participate in religion because my mom will be wayy to excited about it. She’d think I agree with her about some prejudicial beliefs. i hate weaponized spiritualism, twisting words to push a wrong, oppressive narrative (typical religious-conservative bs). I don’t want to give her that satisfaction. I lowkey hate religious people that are like annoyingly religious. Ik it’s parts of peoples religions, like its within the belief system to promote it but THERES A line between participating in your religion and straight up being annoying

on saturday, i went to church. i had just got off work and felt the need to meditate and rest-- but i didnt want to go home. it was mostly empty (probably cuz it was 4pm on a saturday) , and i noticed they were doing confessions. got in line behind a very talkative old man. somehow the sparse converstion turned to taking turns reciting the latin across the walls. he told me, "dont bother learning latin, unless you want to become a preist or talk to demons" LMAO. eventually it was my turn. i probably sounded insane. i hadnt really prepared anything so i sorta just rambled to the preist. im suprised as soon as I stepped out the box the feds werent waiting for me with a strait jacket to send me to the looney bin but i wasnt too worried cuz apparently if you confess a murder they won’t snitch you lest they be excommunicated ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ-- not to say i confessed a murder haha. but fr. it was stressful. priests have the most aura, their energy is overwhelming. im suprised i was able to speak at all in the presence of such aura lol.
afterward, i just sat there. at the pew, staring at the latin on the walls again. i didnt stay too long, tho, they had asmr water running sounds and it made me want to pee.

Catholic imagery go brrrrr
also went to a hispanic grocery store i havent been to in foreverrrr

new format!
hope u like ~~
sorta fucked tho cuz idfk how to css lmfao. probably looks like shit on mobile sorryyyyy ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡♡♡
tryna put more photos in here.. i have sm photos on my dinky lil iphone 11 camera roll, i figured uploading them here would be useful for archives sake +make this site more of a blog rather than a boring ass block of text.. might even upload scans of lil half-doodle comic-y diary entries i have in my actual paper journal à la diary of a wimpy kid style.

anywaysss I TURNED 20!!
thats such a real adult age. too real. but, tbh, reading some of my previous diary entries and iphone notes app vents -- idk why df i was trippin so much ab it. i was genuinely losing sleep n i fr cried myself to sleep in the weeks leading up to the big day.
now that its happened, idgaf.
the build up was 10x worse, idk why i mythologized it in my head so much-- mythologizing that turning 20 would be some terrible event worth dreading over.

i like being 20 now. cant wait to turn 21 n buy a 4loko>:)!!
no but fr,
its empowering.
im not some push over little kid anymore. im not some confused teenager looking for validation in others. i know who i am, and im so functional now. only with time i achieved this amount of wisdom and im proud of myself. im so much wiser than i was..
i <3 meeeee!!!

i still dont know why as a culture were expected yearn for youth, romanticizing the growing pains and confusion associated with being young, looking back on my teen years im genuinely surprised i thugged it out for so long lmfao id kill myself if i had to do it again.

anyways.. went to a fancy upscale shopping center n got myself a new ipad n some clothes as birthday gift to myself. spent $600 bucks (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)... didnt end up buying those banana wallets tho and i regret it .‸.
after i went to arcade with my family, won 1st place in mario kart >:D !! got vampire teeth and candy with all 96 tickets i earned.. then went home, ate some ice cream cake, made a wish (cant say what or else it wont come true).. and set up my new ipad for the rest of the day. 10/10 birthday.